I’m starting to get a complex.

I just returned from a great mini-tour in California – the kids were great, the teachers were great, the library specialists were great, sold a bunch of books – all good.

I love doing school visits, and I think I’ve done about thirty of them so far – as many as I can, which isn’t that many, considering I have to take off from work. I’ve gone as far as Texas, and Florida, and Ohio, and all over the Northeast and New England (where I live).

But you know where I can’t get arrested? Westport, Connecticut.

Which is where I live.

And where I grew up.

And where Charlie, Joe and Jack go to school.

And where I went to school.

That’s right – I can’t even book a school visit at THE ELEMENTARY AND MIDDLE SCHOOLS WHICH I ATTENDED.

Weird, right? Even though school districts with smaller budgets have managed to afford my fee (which is completely reasonable, and extremely negotiable), Westport, which is a pretty rich town, can’t pull the trigger. I can’t even get people to return my phone calls. Well you know what, Westport? Who needs you? I can make my own way in this crazy school-visit world without your help.

If you don’t want to book a hometown author, then fine. You’ll regret it when I’m famous. Which will probably never happen, but still.

Santa Fe Springs thinks Charlie Joe rocks — why don’t you?