Holy moly it’s practically Thanksgiving. How did that happen? Wasn’t it just summer? I love the holidays but I don’t love the winter that comes right after it. I’m not into cold in general, unless it’s ice cream. Skiing’s okay I guess, if the temperature is between 33 and 39 degrees and the hot chocolate has a lot of whipped cream on it.

Anyway, here are ten things to remember, which can help you have the best holiday season ever.

1. Hot turkey is good, but cold turkey on white bread with tons of mayonnaise is even better. Hold the lettuce.
2. It’s been scientifically proven that you can never get sick of watching football. 27 straight hours is fine.
3. The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is better on TV, because you’re not cold, and you’re not getting smushed by people who are screaming, “Wow, Elmo is huge!”
4. Start acting really nice to your parents around December 5th, because that’s when they think about buying you stuff.
5. Start acting really nice to your grandparents around December 15th, because that’s when they think about putting the check in the mail.
6. Between November 23rd and December 24th, avoid stores, radios and other places where Christmas Carols may be lurking.
7. Don’t try to stay up all night on Christmas Eve. The sooner you go to bed, the sooner your parents go to bed, and then everyone gets up earlier on Christmas morning to open presents.
8. If you’re Jewish, congratulations on getting eight presents for Hanukah. If you’re not Jewish, remind your parents that your Jewish friends are getting eight presents.
9. Don’t worry about staying up til midnite on New Year’s Eve to watch the ball drop. You can DVR it.
10. Stay away from the fruitcake.